July Updates!

It's been almost a month since I've written. Since the last post, I have enrolled in grad school and started my online class (taught by Asa's dad!) 3 weeks ago. It is SUCH a change being BACK in school! I'm only taking one class, and I feel like I have so much to do! Asa is taking three and kicking butt and he graduates in December WITH his master's in special education... I have no idea how I'll ever finish the program, because I dread being IN school, and all online course work is SO MUCH! However, I AM enjoying it and I'm learning a lot from the class I'm in. So it's very worth it. I've applied to JCPS for all special education jobs elementary through middle school. I very much doubt I will even get an interview for the county, with me JUST starting and there being so many teachers looking for jobs! We DESPERATELY need Asa to get hired as a salary contracted teacher however... so we could use some serious prayer on that front. Right now he is on my insurance at the hospital, and it would be SO wonderful for him to have is OWN, as well as to be making that type of salary! 


Each of the days I come to work, I am more and more made aware that I was never meant to be a nurse. I am so grateful to God for GIVING me this job, opening my eyes and saying, "See?? This is what you would be doing. This is what it is like!" I cannot stand being pulled in a million different directions. I know that as the PCA, I am the brunt of the staff... I do everything, for everyone, no matter what. Sometimes I have 26 patients, sometimes fewer and I realize nurses have 5 or 6 maximum, but they STILL have SUCH a demanding job!!! An IV being pulled out here, a kid needing meds there... I mean, it goes on and on for 12 hours straight! I do NOT do well not knowing where I will be one day, how many kids I will have, what the kids will be like...etc. 

The relationships that I do build with certain children, I never want to end. I got SO incredibly close to one 9 year old patient, when I left my shift that night I almost SOBBED because she was being moved the next day. The patient I have been with the past two days I have also gotten incredibly close with. She may be gave up to the state soon after her stay here, and it breaks my heart...  But again I can see how God has molded my heart and shown me that the time I have here with them is just not enough... I want to work in a small, intimate setting where I can watch children grow and learn and absorb and turn into the people they are supposed to become. Sometimes, I may get my hair pulled or be kicked or have a toy thrown at me (such as the past two days with this patient,) but the smile on their face, the relationship I would be building... it would all be worth it! I am so so thankful that the Lord has shown me that I DO strive for this. 


I can't believe that my sister in law Sarah is due pretty much any day now.. (Due August 12 but hopefully sooner!) And Jana, due September 5, we have no idea really... she may get induced but who knows when. And Ali (Asa's oldest sister) is due December 1. It still blows my mind that all 3 of my sister-in-laws (minus Beth on my side) are PREGNANT! Whew!!! 
ALL BOYS TOO! Did I mention that? I am VERY excited to see Sarah with a baby. This will be her first and I just can't fathom! I'm excited for ALL of them, but it's especially fun to see Sarah as a very first time pregnant woman :) She is so cute!  


OH! Very special update: our boy Humphrey turned FOUR years old yesterday! July 24 :)
We had a party for him (Asa and our pets and I) and Asa made a homemade cake for him as well as spoiled him with moist dog food. And my Mama of course sent a huge package in the mail with gifts and treats, not only for Hump but EVERYONE! She is the best!! So so sweet. 

Anyway, I'm exhausted and staring at a computer screen doesn't help! I have 3 more hours here with this patient and then I am off tomorrow (Monday). I work Tuesday and then I am going HOME TO MICHIGAN until Sunday!!!!!!!! I can't wait to see my Mama. I REALLY wish Asa could come with me... it makes me so sad I'll be away from him that entire week, but oh well I suppose. Ta ta for now!!!! :)

A Silent Prayer

Since I have been on day shift, I have sat with patients more than I have done actual PCA work--all of whom are psych teens! Last night I literally only got MAYBE 4 hours of sleep. My body is not used to sleeping all night every night so last night, no matter how tired it felt, it refused to shut down. I texted my Mom at 2 in the morning and she texted me the verse in Isaiah, "Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee," and I said it over and over and over and over and over again.... It must have worked because the last time I looked at the clock it was 2:15 and the time after that it was almost 6am and time to get out of bed. 

When I got to work I learned that I would be sitting...again...with a psych patient...again. At first I was excited, because lately I have been incredibly lazy and have enjoyed just sitting: reading, playing on my laptop, and talking with the patients. But as soon as I entered the room, I felt a tension so strong, I couldn't believe it. The light was on, the Mom was in the room, the patient was yelling and screaming, "Don't touch me! Don't look at me!" I introduced myself and the patient said, "Can't you make the pain stop! Make it stop! Why aren't you doing anything!" And then she fell asleep... I soon learned that the patient had Asperger Syndrome, a condition that makes social interaction extremely difficult, much like an autism disorder. I then learned that the patient had attempted to overdose on Tylenol the night prior. "Pale as a ghost," the patient was described as being upon arrival. . . 

The Mom was like one I have never been around... constantly getting up to make sure the covers were properly adjusted and that the stuffed animal was close by to the patient. Even when the patient would yell, "Stop touching me!" Mom would soon come back to the bed and if do nothing else, she would just stare... 

I could feel myself getting so annoyed! So frustrated that this Mom wouldn't just SIT and let the patient BE! And then I realized...I have no idea what this Mom [and later Dad joined too], were going through. 

The patient woke up, made some phone calls, and seemed jolly and cheerful. singing songs, laughing at the TV, happily painting. It made me wonder, 'what happens now?' Isn't there a level of embarrassment that is indescribable. What do the friends think? What does the rest of the family think? How does life just, go, from here? I'm not going to lie: as a middle-schooler, I was looking for some attention while my brother Nathan was hospitalized. I missed my mom SO much... I was alone all the time. And the honest to god truth is that I wanted to go to my "boyfriend's" house and my Mom wouldn't let me. So what did I do? I literally SCRATCHED my wrist with a fingernail clipper blade, and I told my best friend at the time that "I was bleeding pretty bad." What did she do? TOLD HER MOM. Duh!!! Her mom called my mom who was 35 minutes away in the HOSPITAL with my severely ill brother, and who RUSHED HOME to be with ME, her lame daughter who had SCRATCHED herself (it really wasn't bleeding...) I don't even remember what happened after that? I'm sure my mom and I had a discussion about suicide and craving attention and I know my mom talked to my teachers about what a hard time I was having with Nathan in the hospital. I went to school the next day. I don't even remember if I told my BOYFRIEND! I was such a brat! Looking back on that, I can't FATHOM how I would have felt if I had seriously overdosed or sliced my wrist open--obviously leading to hospitalization and institutions! I look back now and see a young middle school child, jealous of her sick brother (selfish in other words) and in desperate need of attention (or so she thought) and who only felt stupid in the long run. It didn't fix anything! What was I thinking??? I wasn't, clearly. 

But still! That memory makes me think about these child's lives that I sit in on now...What are they like? Most of them overdose on some pretty serious stuff. This patient's Tylenol level was over 122 upon arrival, and doctors like to see it below 30 before discharging, so it was pretty dang high. What do these children need? The mom seems to be suffocating with all the love and attention she wants to pour out on her teen! I know the patient has Asperger's Syndrome, but as I mentioned before, seems happy, jovial, giddy sometimes. Mood swings have came and passed all day... as expected for any 16 year old--but I can't figure it out.  

My obvious answer is that every single one of these children and their families need Jesus. You know how you can meet someone and feel a Christian connection with them and can generally tell within minutes if they are a Christ follower? Well, I have yet to find that. These teens are lost. They feel as though they are without hope. They do not have answers and they do not  know where to look for answers. Some of the teens are schizophrenic and bi-polar. Some of them are manic depressive or paranoid. It just makes me wonder, how in the world will I ever be able to help them? I have such a desire to give and show love. Don't these children know that high school ends? Middle school for that matter! Don't they know there is MORE? There are mountains and valleys and green grass and wildflowers and blue skies and farms and animals and sunshine and colorful clouds and pretty moons and well, the list is endless. If only that were enough. If only naming those things could help heal a child's heart. The world is a scary place, a dangerous place, sometimes nothing but a black hole to these teens, and all they want--is out. 

I can only pray my heart out as I sit here in this room, listening to the banter between the family, that Jesus will spread His light. The patient will be transferred to an institution after being discharged, where therapy will be required. Will that help? Who will be in these teens' lives to show them that there is MORE.  

Lord, please be with me. Life is hard. Even I get depressed and sad and lonely in this life. But I have You, Lord. Please make yourself known to these children. You have said to let the little Children come to YOU, and I beg that you direct them there. Use me, Father, to guide their hands and feet. I want their voids to be filled with the magnificence of your love. If it your will, give me a teaching job where I can have more one on one time with real students. I want to do your work, God and be your hands and feet. Please help me. Always be the light in me that inspires others to BE. 

I love you and I am so grateful for you. 

Isaiah 26:3

Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on THEE.

Tired Day

I am not adjusting to day shift very well! I could not sleep last night at all, even though I was pretty tired! I didn't actually fall asleep until around 2 a.m. and then I woke up every hour until I got up for work at 6am! NOW, I'm here at work and am exhausted! More so than I ever was during the night... Oh boy. This could be interesting! 
I'm sitting with a patient today. She is very sweet and makes me laugh. I love spending time with patients/kids! Some of their lives are so rough...more rough than mine ever was, and I remember being 15 and thinking my life was the worst! Little did I know! This one is in my prayers :) 


In other news, I officially applied to JCPS for elementary through high school special education positions! They received all my applications and I filled out the survey and I emailed most of the special school {state schools, i.e. psych schools] principals to give them my contact in CASE an opening occurs for one of those! I am so nervous and excited and I am not TOO hopeful about getting hired for this coming fall...but I sure am praying! I can't fathom if BOTH Ace and I had salary teaching jobs! With no children and just US, we would be able to buy a house, and start paying back student loans as well as pay off his car! I can't imagine!!!!


I am so exhausted... I can't even type really! I think it's time to lie down and watch some more TV. I doze on and off which I'm sure I'm not supposed to do but I can't help it! And this girl doesn't mind. She's SO sweet! 


We're having our friends Kenny and Krysten over tonight for a campfire and I'm very much looking forward to it! They only live a block away from us. It is VERY nice to have friends MY age, who have no desire to have babies yet, and who are newly married! God has blessed us!! He really and truly HAS blessed me and answered my prayer about friendship and girlfriends. Two girls from work I LOVE and have been starting to hang out with them outside of work--I love it! Thank you, Father!! :)

Days Keep Flyin' By!

Last time I wrote, I was pretty overwhelmed with the fact that I had no idea what to do in life. It looks to be changing however, as I have made some steps that I think are following appropriately the will of God. A week away from life was what really helped make things clear:

 Asa and I went on a romantic vacation to St. Augustine Beach, Florida the whole second week of June--and other than him developing a weird rash/itch all over his entire back and stomach the last 3 days, it was WONDERFUL. It was peaceful, quiet, everything we needed to recharge our batteries. As soon as we stepped foot onto the white sand right after checking into our hotel, I told Asa I felt so close to God already. I am deathly afraid of things in the ocean, sharks, sting rays, crabs, killer fish, jellyfish, man-o-wars, you know, pretty much EVERYTHING... so Asa had to really coax me into the water. I did fine in California with my best friend Lisa and my little boy cousins, but that was probably because there was a MILLION people in the water, and the little boys were FEARLESS... Once in the water with Asa, he held me and swam around with me in his arms... it was the coolest thing :) I asked him to pray, because I thought that would be an amazing way to begin this trip--so he did, and while he prayed, I couldn't stop smiling. I felt such peace and contentment... something I haven't felt in quite a while!
We swam and laid out for about an hour, and then went back to our hotel room where we slept like six hours! We did a LOT of sleeping this trip, staying up late, laughing, watching TV, exploring the historic downtown, and eating good food. Towards the end of the trip I told Asa I REALLY feel like I was made to have summer's off. Seriously... I think when God created me He was thinking, "And here's some genetic makeup to make her desire summers and holidays off, to always be with her husband and family." I've always told myself while Asa has been in grad school for teaching, that "I didn't need vacations, or time off, I could just work whatever job and be happy as long as it was the right job." And I have realized after working at the hospital for four months, that I crave time off with Asa, and that while working 3 days a week in 12 hour shifts helps me get several days off in a ROW, and I DON'T work five straight days a week... it's not the life I was called to live. The more I'm at the hospital, the more I have realized I really don't truly envision myself being a nurse... I don't see myself wanting to do IV's, or shots, or give meds, or keep track of meds, or clean up poop and vomit...I love patient interaction and I love working with kids. But I have realized a very significant thing: the interaction I have with these kids is simply not ENOUGH. I walk in to take vitals and get anything they need or want, but then I move on. And the same is true with nurses--they give meds, check on their kiddos, but they don't develop a HUGE relationship with these kids (at least on my floor) because that's not their job.
Sometimes I want to just sit and talk with the teens we get, for hours! Get to know them and laugh and somehow REALLY show Jesus to them. So it's all boiled down to and all signs have pointed to:
TEACHING!!!

I had been going back and forth the past two years over something medical and teaching. Towards the end of my subbing career I realized I could happily do teaching! Then once I was away from it, and working at a veterinary clinic, I went back to nursing. Now that I am a nurse ASSISTANT, and in the hospital every single week...I think God has opened my eyes and the decision has been made.
I could be completely wrong. He could be up in Heaven saying, "No, I REALLY don't want you to teach," but He's going to have to show me THAT door closing as well :)
So for now, I've enrolled at the University of the Cumberlands, where Asa goes, and it's ALL online! How wonderful :) Never stepping into a classroom AGAIN has been my DREAM.
I will be applying to JCPS very soon, over this weekend, and be praying that I can get a special education teaching position this fall. I don't see that happening, as I JUST enrolled in a master's program...but it would be pretty amazing. Asa is probably getting an open position at Dixie Elementary, where he's been a sub for 2 years, and we are so excited. I am SO proud of him! It will be SO great for him to have a SALARY, sick days, vacation days, and all summer off PAID! What an improvement for us financially!!!

Anyway, I wanted to write this all down, as I've been keeping track of my dreams and desires this way. I am very excited to see where God continues to lead us!

Faith and Submissiveness

I woke up this afternoon after working my 12 hours last night and immediately thought about the story of Abraham and Sarah: I have no idea why this was on my mind, the very first, as I rolled myself out from the covers, but it was--so I decided to re-read the passage that I am sure I have read mulitple times. 
First I googled it and read a whole short story on the couple--it was all about Sarah's faith and submissiveness towards her Lord and her husband. Through Abraham, she followed her God, even in times of doubt, sin and sadness. 
In my ESV Bible I found this so interesting in Genesis 18: 
The Lord appeared to Abraham in the form of a visitor and he was asked where his wife was. He responded, "She is in the tent." The Lord said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year and Sarah your wife shall have a son." Sarah was listening at the tent door and she laughed, saying, 'After I am worn out and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?" The Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Shall I indeed bear a child now that I am old?' IS ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR THE LORD? At the APPOINTED time I will return to you about this time next year and Sarah SHALL have a son." BUT Sarah denied it saying, "I did not laugh," for she was afraid. And HE SAID, "BUT YOU DID LAUGH."
It was at this point in reading that I had to stop and think... how many times have I laughed at the words of God? Granted, He has never spoken so incredibly clear to me as He did Sarah and Abraham and multitudes of people back in the Old Testament... but I just wonder how many times I have doubted. I can almost hear Him saying to my face the way He did Sarah, "BUT YOU did LAUGH." The rest of the story proceeds and in chapter 21 of Genesis, Sarah bears her first son, Isaac--which means LAUGHTER. She says in verse 6, "God has made laughter for me, everyone who hears will laugh over me." 


Talk about a beautiful story...Sarah was human, incredibly human. She sinned, she became angry in her sin and jealous of Abraham's other women [I would be too!] but yet she remained faithful and submissive to her God and her husband. She stayed true and she continued to believe. 
 Every night I struggle with the "what ifs" of this world. As I do my 12 hours at the hospital, I go back and forth, back and forth, between nursing, teaching, and a million other careers. I seriously have absolutely no idea what I will be doing in life... I know I have a heart for people, especially young children, and I have a true desire to see them know the Lord. I have left college and become more confused than I ever was--and as I look back and see all the mistakes and errors I have made, ALL I want is to do RIGHT in the Lord's eyes. 
So we will see. And I will wait. And I will pray. And I will trust. I have hope in my Savior and I will not laugh at anything he tells me to do.

Officially a College Grad

May 8, 2010 officially marked the end of my college career and gave me the title "Wife, Daughter, Sister, Best Friend, Auntie, and College Graduate." At first I was dreading the long day I had ahead of me but when I woke up, showered and had my morning coffee, I became giddy and thrilled. Once my brother and his wife arrived from TN and I put on my cap & gown, I became so excited for the events that were to follow.Although throughout the day I couldn't help but to wonder what my friends and past loved ones were doing or if they were even graduating...I was also filled with humbleness and thanks to my awesome God for the accomplishments He gave me. 
I could not have done these past 4 years without my family: Mom, Dad, Nate and Seany. Even though they were not the most excited with the decision to leave home and rush into college, they supported me and were there for me with my many phone calls home. Freshman year I shed a lot of tears, more tears than I sometimes care to remember. Pain from an ex-boyfriend: regret, agony, and just plain sorrow--each and every one of them was always more than ready to listen to me weep. They were there for me while I was growing significantly in the Lord, and were so excited to listen to my adventures with Campus Crusade. My first and only [Lord willing] terrible car accident, when I shattered my head through my window--my mom was on the phone with me as soon as my head went through that glass! Basically I just wanted to share my thanks to my family for their extreme love. They are my best friends and without them, I would not be who I am today.
Also obviously my husband. I met him my second year of college and he greatly influenced my choices and passions! He also helped me strive for the Lord and seek His face in all that I did and pursued. I am a blessed woman! 

Below are some fun pictures throughout my afternoon. My sister Jana graduated with  her double master's from Bellarmine University the same afternoon, so it was a LOT of fun to celebrate together!!! 

                                            A gift from Sean and Beth.

                                    Walking off the stage, hollering with my family!

  

Down Memory Lane

I am officially done with my Bachelor's degree! I said I would do it in four years and by golly I did! My question as I finished my last final [A&P] was, "What was the point of college?" What was the point of my $46,000 in college loans? Can someone please remind me, because I sure am clueless! I left campus feeling more confused than I was when I first started!!!! Over the course of pondering this question however, God struck some amazing memories in my brain and I just had to write them down:

[Most of this will be memories of the past 4 years!]

Okay, I totally know that God placed me at U of L for a very good reason: one and probably the most important reasons is that I met my Asa my sophomore year! I was very "anti-man" when I met him, but he sure worked his way in to my heart and the very first day I met him, I knew I wanted to marry HIM or at least a guy LIKE him. If I hadn't moved here to Louisville to pursue my jockey dream, I would have never met my husband! I'd say that's a pretty good justification of college debt :) I will never forget walking into "his" coffee shop (Sunergos Coffee) where he was working (and still works when he wants extra money) and him offering me a free cup of coffee to help me (a stranger) get through my day of 5 exams and a speech!!!!!!! 

Also if I hadn't moved to Louisville, I wouldn't have inherited the family [and especially sisters] that I have! I was looking back on old photos and found this of Asa, I and Arie when she was born! What a blessing this girl has been to my life...anytime I am REALLY sad or down, if I'm anywhere close to Arie, she can make me laugh out loud so hard that I am forced to get over it!

If I hadn't moved to Louisville, I never would have found out that God never intended for me to be a horse racing jockey. [At least...I don't think He did. Maybe he'll still blow my mind?] I got a job at Churchill Downs as soon as I moved here and was living my dream. I worked every day at 4:30 in the morning and was over joyed as I watched the Thoroughbreds that I had only witnessed on television thunder past me on a dusty track. My heart would practically jump out of its chest and I couldn't help but grin ear to ear... Unfortunately I had the wrong kind of boss, and went through some things I shouldn't have gone through... and when he moved back to Arkansas for the winter [and I had been working for him 8 months] I got a job with Winstar Farm at their training center in LaGrange, KY. Those were some of my most blessed days as well, as two of the men [who were like father figures to me] began to train me to exercise ride...Some of my best memories in this world are of me sitting in my favorite horses stall each morning [mainly Thunder's!!!!], getting there around 5am: they would be curled up in a ball [it was winter] under their cozy blankets and just stare at me. The men would warn me I was being crazy, that it was dangerous and I "could be killed" but I never cared...I trusted my favorites and they trusted me. I miss the track, and I miss the Thoroughbreds and I miss galloping down a track...but I know I can and probably will have it back someday--Thoroughbreds of my own with Asa! Someday, I will have my little farm <3 

ALSO if I hadn't moved to Louisville, I never would have gotten my baby girl, Elsa Noel. It was in middle school I decided a Golden Retriever was what I HAD to have...they were too expensive in Michigan, so I decided I HAD to have a WHITE lab puppy for Christmas instead. [And I did: Holly Lou, my baby sister, who still lives with my family in MI and who now calls herself "Nathan's Dog." She is now 10 years old, and completely was my dream dog.] However, she lives in MI so I decided shortly after dating Asa that it was time for me to get my Golden...I looked at ONE breed of Goldens and knew immediately that I wanted HER out of her 13 other siblings. She is the sweetest thing in the world, as similar to Holly, has gotten me through way too many rough times in my life. Her past 2 years have been the biggest blessings in the world to me...she really is like MY GIRL. 

If I hadn't moved to Louisville, I never would have been involved in the amazing diverse and different friendships that I was blessed with. Freshmen year, God supplied me with a group of girls who I hung out with ALL the time...while we drifted and parted ways towards the end of the year, I am still so grateful for the laughs and tears that we shared. 

As you can see, I loved a lot, laughed a lot, and lived a lot these past four years. I met one of my very best friends, Erin Marie [in the picture above] freshman year on the very first day of English class and she is one of the only ones who have stuck with me through the end which is kind of sad to say but at the same time, incredibly sweet. I met my husband, I figured out who I was, who I am, and who I want to become. I learned that I will always be a horse girl no matter what...even though I no longer pursue racing, I will always pursue my dream of owning my very own horse that I can gallop, sleep with, feed, and pick up poop after :) I learned that I have a deeper passion for special needs people than I ever fathomed, as well as a passion for medical ethics. I learned that in four years, people change drastically...but that God never does. I am so grateful for these four years. . . 

To God be the glory for all of these things and sweet, sweet memories.