The last post was January... it is now clear to me how unambitious I am at keeping up with a written blog, but alas, I will try to express some new found thoughts and things that have been going on since this past January. I also need to give credit to my beautiful sister in law, Jana Glass, for inspiring me to write. I just read some of her old posts, dating back to this past Christmas, and they reminded me that a lot has changed in my own life, that I feel needs to be "written down."
First of all, Asa and I just bought our first home! Praise God from whom all blessings flow! We are moving to Jackson street right across from Shelby Park, only about a mile away from our current Old Louisville apartment. It is a 3 bedroom, two story home, 1.5 bath, with about 1700 square feet-(Compared to our 900ish square foot 1 bedroom apartment!) It has a beautiful fenced in backyard and we are absolutely in LOVE with it. We move in July 23 with our wonderful two dogs and two cats, and we cannot wait to start using it for God's glory. Shelby Park is a very low-income, impoverished area and I know that God has people there, just waiting to meet us and hear the Gospel!
The second piece of news that is much more personal and I hesitate even sharing on a blog... is that we came off "the pill." I had been on it since age 15, for numerous health reasons, so it had been a total of 8 years! I remember being a little girl and playing dress up and dolls with all my closest girlfriends, and I can recall how most, if not all of them, said at one time or another, "I can't wait to be a mom!" That was never me. I think I used to talk about the number of kids I would maybe have one day, but it was never something I believed I would do or most importantly, want. Asa and I have now been married for two and a half years, and during that time, all three of my sister in laws on his side have been pregnant numerous times, and I now have SEVEN nieces and nephews--well, three nieces and four nephews to be exact. [I should probably mention that they are my WORLD!] However...I would go through periods of bitterness that I was never quite able to explain. When my sister in law's Jana and Sarah, went in to labor with each child, I remember feeling so jealous and angry and emotional. Why?!? I remember calling my mom during Ryver's birth this past August, just in tears, balling my eyes out. I couldn't explain the reason! It wasn't until my friend and next door neighbor Allyson H. got pregnant and ran across the street to tell me, that I began to realize what the reasons were for what I felt, were crazy and irrational emotions... My entire life I had told people, "I don't want a baby. I don't want children. Asa and I aren't having children." I called my mom [clearly my "go-to person for all events...] and expressed how upset I was. Again, I was experiencing bitterness, jealousy, frustration, which clearly was not fair to feel even internally, since pregnancy is supposed to be a time of celebration and joy! My mom was so sweet with me, and she very gently said, "Ashley, until you admit that you want to be pregnant, that you want your very own baby... you are not going to feel better." I had been telling myself for as long as I could remember, that I could not have children, that I shouldn't have a baby, and for what reason? I think basically I had scared myself so dearly as a child, that I had trapped myself into believing these things. For those who are reading this and those who know my family, my oldest brother has severe cerebral palsy. I was the youngest child, and I remember specifically saying while I was in kindergarten or first grade, "I wish I was handicapped so I would get attention too!" WHAT A HORRENDOUS THING TO SAY, I realize that!! And I also remember being in the fourth grade, wondering what life would be like if Nathan were not in our lives... the very next morning I awoke to him having a Grand Mal, near death, seizure. I think maybe it was from that point on, that I convinced myself that I too, would have a handicapped child, all because of my horrible, sinful thoughts towards my very own blood brother.
Nathan is a living, breathing, walking miracle. Period. He is the glue that has kept our family of five together, he is the reason for my other brother Sean and I's friendship and extreme bond, he is the main reason that I know God exists, and that it was God who created life and who takes life away. He is the reason I know that Heaven is real, and the main reason why I look forward to going there someday. When Nathan gets to Heaven, he will dance through those pearly gates, down the street of gold, and shout with joy that Jesus is real! Nathan is my hero.
I went through periods of being jealous of Nathan [even jealous that he would be in the hospital because you see, "it gave him more attention.] Then I went through periods of being so overwhelmed with love for him, that I couldn't stop trying to help him read and learn and do flash cards. I have always LOVED Nathan. But clearly I struggled with emotions being the baby sister and having a brother with such special and severe needs...I wasn't able to grasp much of this until late middle school, when the feelings of jealousy ended and the love and pride took over...however, by that point I had already convinced myself that I probably shouldn't "be a mother," because in the past, I had been so fickle and I was scared of how I would handle the sheer possibly of having a son or daughter like Nathan.
Thank Jesus, for forgiveness and grace. I realize so often as I stand at the foot of the cross, how sinful of a person I truly am. I think it is safe to say that I owe much of my salvation to Nathan, and I can't wait for the day when I tell him at Jesus' side, how very much he changed my life.
All of this being said...
I am married to a very wonderful and Godly man. The past several months, he showed me so much honesty, grace, love and patience and has shown me how blessed I am to be his. It was several months ago, when I was ending a stressful and emotional work week, and I had been careless with my pill that month--my emotions/hormones were all out of whack. We were watching a TV show, I don't even remember which one, and I just started quietly crying. We started talking and Asa said, "If you're not already pregnant, I'm going to be shocked." [I had been having strange food cravings and for me being a food cravings nut all the time, it was just kind of weird for us both.] Well, I started SOBBING at that point. Internally, I was so angry and sad because I knew I wasn't pregnant, [I have been so consistent and anal with taking the birth control every single month in the past. ] My husband knows me so well... he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Morgan, I think we need to be done with the pill. You are so upset right now because you feel like you can't be pregnant, and I think it is time." I started sobbing harder. It was very, very hard for me, painful almost, to admit that now, as a 23 year old woman, that I may actually desire this, something I had convinced myself into believing I would never, ever want.
Only time will tell...but I will say this is the biggest "change" happening in my own personal life, and life with Asa. When I talked about possibly having kids, I would say, "Maybe when I'm 28 or 29..." which doesn't even make sense, because I knew I never wanted to be in my 30's having kids. So with all of those hypothetical questions and feelings of despair and irrational emotions... here we are now, a long time coming, as we await God's work and for His will to be done. Also I must say, I was never mad at my sister-in-laws or friends who got pregnant and had babies. I was always so excited for them, but somehow upset with myself. I don't want anything I've written to be misconstrued into something else. My friend Allyson is due October 19 and I have been documenting her week by week "bump." I am loving every second. It is so fun looking online and seeing what the estimated size of her baby girl currently is, as she grows and nurtures inside of Ally's womb.
God is such a beautiful God, and I am so grateful that He has opened my eyes and shown me nothing but grace and love everlasting.
