A Silent Prayer

Since I have been on day shift, I have sat with patients more than I have done actual PCA work--all of whom are psych teens! Last night I literally only got MAYBE 4 hours of sleep. My body is not used to sleeping all night every night so last night, no matter how tired it felt, it refused to shut down. I texted my Mom at 2 in the morning and she texted me the verse in Isaiah, "Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee," and I said it over and over and over and over and over again.... It must have worked because the last time I looked at the clock it was 2:15 and the time after that it was almost 6am and time to get out of bed. 

When I got to work I learned that I would be sitting...again...with a psych patient...again. At first I was excited, because lately I have been incredibly lazy and have enjoyed just sitting: reading, playing on my laptop, and talking with the patients. But as soon as I entered the room, I felt a tension so strong, I couldn't believe it. The light was on, the Mom was in the room, the patient was yelling and screaming, "Don't touch me! Don't look at me!" I introduced myself and the patient said, "Can't you make the pain stop! Make it stop! Why aren't you doing anything!" And then she fell asleep... I soon learned that the patient had Asperger Syndrome, a condition that makes social interaction extremely difficult, much like an autism disorder. I then learned that the patient had attempted to overdose on Tylenol the night prior. "Pale as a ghost," the patient was described as being upon arrival. . . 

The Mom was like one I have never been around... constantly getting up to make sure the covers were properly adjusted and that the stuffed animal was close by to the patient. Even when the patient would yell, "Stop touching me!" Mom would soon come back to the bed and if do nothing else, she would just stare... 

I could feel myself getting so annoyed! So frustrated that this Mom wouldn't just SIT and let the patient BE! And then I realized...I have no idea what this Mom [and later Dad joined too], were going through. 

The patient woke up, made some phone calls, and seemed jolly and cheerful. singing songs, laughing at the TV, happily painting. It made me wonder, 'what happens now?' Isn't there a level of embarrassment that is indescribable. What do the friends think? What does the rest of the family think? How does life just, go, from here? I'm not going to lie: as a middle-schooler, I was looking for some attention while my brother Nathan was hospitalized. I missed my mom SO much... I was alone all the time. And the honest to god truth is that I wanted to go to my "boyfriend's" house and my Mom wouldn't let me. So what did I do? I literally SCRATCHED my wrist with a fingernail clipper blade, and I told my best friend at the time that "I was bleeding pretty bad." What did she do? TOLD HER MOM. Duh!!! Her mom called my mom who was 35 minutes away in the HOSPITAL with my severely ill brother, and who RUSHED HOME to be with ME, her lame daughter who had SCRATCHED herself (it really wasn't bleeding...) I don't even remember what happened after that? I'm sure my mom and I had a discussion about suicide and craving attention and I know my mom talked to my teachers about what a hard time I was having with Nathan in the hospital. I went to school the next day. I don't even remember if I told my BOYFRIEND! I was such a brat! Looking back on that, I can't FATHOM how I would have felt if I had seriously overdosed or sliced my wrist open--obviously leading to hospitalization and institutions! I look back now and see a young middle school child, jealous of her sick brother (selfish in other words) and in desperate need of attention (or so she thought) and who only felt stupid in the long run. It didn't fix anything! What was I thinking??? I wasn't, clearly. 

But still! That memory makes me think about these child's lives that I sit in on now...What are they like? Most of them overdose on some pretty serious stuff. This patient's Tylenol level was over 122 upon arrival, and doctors like to see it below 30 before discharging, so it was pretty dang high. What do these children need? The mom seems to be suffocating with all the love and attention she wants to pour out on her teen! I know the patient has Asperger's Syndrome, but as I mentioned before, seems happy, jovial, giddy sometimes. Mood swings have came and passed all day... as expected for any 16 year old--but I can't figure it out.  

My obvious answer is that every single one of these children and their families need Jesus. You know how you can meet someone and feel a Christian connection with them and can generally tell within minutes if they are a Christ follower? Well, I have yet to find that. These teens are lost. They feel as though they are without hope. They do not have answers and they do not  know where to look for answers. Some of the teens are schizophrenic and bi-polar. Some of them are manic depressive or paranoid. It just makes me wonder, how in the world will I ever be able to help them? I have such a desire to give and show love. Don't these children know that high school ends? Middle school for that matter! Don't they know there is MORE? There are mountains and valleys and green grass and wildflowers and blue skies and farms and animals and sunshine and colorful clouds and pretty moons and well, the list is endless. If only that were enough. If only naming those things could help heal a child's heart. The world is a scary place, a dangerous place, sometimes nothing but a black hole to these teens, and all they want--is out. 

I can only pray my heart out as I sit here in this room, listening to the banter between the family, that Jesus will spread His light. The patient will be transferred to an institution after being discharged, where therapy will be required. Will that help? Who will be in these teens' lives to show them that there is MORE.  

Lord, please be with me. Life is hard. Even I get depressed and sad and lonely in this life. But I have You, Lord. Please make yourself known to these children. You have said to let the little Children come to YOU, and I beg that you direct them there. Use me, Father, to guide their hands and feet. I want their voids to be filled with the magnificence of your love. If it your will, give me a teaching job where I can have more one on one time with real students. I want to do your work, God and be your hands and feet. Please help me. Always be the light in me that inspires others to BE. 

I love you and I am so grateful for you. 

Isaiah 26:3

Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on THEE.

Tired Day

I am not adjusting to day shift very well! I could not sleep last night at all, even though I was pretty tired! I didn't actually fall asleep until around 2 a.m. and then I woke up every hour until I got up for work at 6am! NOW, I'm here at work and am exhausted! More so than I ever was during the night... Oh boy. This could be interesting! 
I'm sitting with a patient today. She is very sweet and makes me laugh. I love spending time with patients/kids! Some of their lives are so rough...more rough than mine ever was, and I remember being 15 and thinking my life was the worst! Little did I know! This one is in my prayers :) 


In other news, I officially applied to JCPS for elementary through high school special education positions! They received all my applications and I filled out the survey and I emailed most of the special school {state schools, i.e. psych schools] principals to give them my contact in CASE an opening occurs for one of those! I am so nervous and excited and I am not TOO hopeful about getting hired for this coming fall...but I sure am praying! I can't fathom if BOTH Ace and I had salary teaching jobs! With no children and just US, we would be able to buy a house, and start paying back student loans as well as pay off his car! I can't imagine!!!!


I am so exhausted... I can't even type really! I think it's time to lie down and watch some more TV. I doze on and off which I'm sure I'm not supposed to do but I can't help it! And this girl doesn't mind. She's SO sweet! 


We're having our friends Kenny and Krysten over tonight for a campfire and I'm very much looking forward to it! They only live a block away from us. It is VERY nice to have friends MY age, who have no desire to have babies yet, and who are newly married! God has blessed us!! He really and truly HAS blessed me and answered my prayer about friendship and girlfriends. Two girls from work I LOVE and have been starting to hang out with them outside of work--I love it! Thank you, Father!! :)

Days Keep Flyin' By!

Last time I wrote, I was pretty overwhelmed with the fact that I had no idea what to do in life. It looks to be changing however, as I have made some steps that I think are following appropriately the will of God. A week away from life was what really helped make things clear:

 Asa and I went on a romantic vacation to St. Augustine Beach, Florida the whole second week of June--and other than him developing a weird rash/itch all over his entire back and stomach the last 3 days, it was WONDERFUL. It was peaceful, quiet, everything we needed to recharge our batteries. As soon as we stepped foot onto the white sand right after checking into our hotel, I told Asa I felt so close to God already. I am deathly afraid of things in the ocean, sharks, sting rays, crabs, killer fish, jellyfish, man-o-wars, you know, pretty much EVERYTHING... so Asa had to really coax me into the water. I did fine in California with my best friend Lisa and my little boy cousins, but that was probably because there was a MILLION people in the water, and the little boys were FEARLESS... Once in the water with Asa, he held me and swam around with me in his arms... it was the coolest thing :) I asked him to pray, because I thought that would be an amazing way to begin this trip--so he did, and while he prayed, I couldn't stop smiling. I felt such peace and contentment... something I haven't felt in quite a while!
We swam and laid out for about an hour, and then went back to our hotel room where we slept like six hours! We did a LOT of sleeping this trip, staying up late, laughing, watching TV, exploring the historic downtown, and eating good food. Towards the end of the trip I told Asa I REALLY feel like I was made to have summer's off. Seriously... I think when God created me He was thinking, "And here's some genetic makeup to make her desire summers and holidays off, to always be with her husband and family." I've always told myself while Asa has been in grad school for teaching, that "I didn't need vacations, or time off, I could just work whatever job and be happy as long as it was the right job." And I have realized after working at the hospital for four months, that I crave time off with Asa, and that while working 3 days a week in 12 hour shifts helps me get several days off in a ROW, and I DON'T work five straight days a week... it's not the life I was called to live. The more I'm at the hospital, the more I have realized I really don't truly envision myself being a nurse... I don't see myself wanting to do IV's, or shots, or give meds, or keep track of meds, or clean up poop and vomit...I love patient interaction and I love working with kids. But I have realized a very significant thing: the interaction I have with these kids is simply not ENOUGH. I walk in to take vitals and get anything they need or want, but then I move on. And the same is true with nurses--they give meds, check on their kiddos, but they don't develop a HUGE relationship with these kids (at least on my floor) because that's not their job.
Sometimes I want to just sit and talk with the teens we get, for hours! Get to know them and laugh and somehow REALLY show Jesus to them. So it's all boiled down to and all signs have pointed to:
TEACHING!!!

I had been going back and forth the past two years over something medical and teaching. Towards the end of my subbing career I realized I could happily do teaching! Then once I was away from it, and working at a veterinary clinic, I went back to nursing. Now that I am a nurse ASSISTANT, and in the hospital every single week...I think God has opened my eyes and the decision has been made.
I could be completely wrong. He could be up in Heaven saying, "No, I REALLY don't want you to teach," but He's going to have to show me THAT door closing as well :)
So for now, I've enrolled at the University of the Cumberlands, where Asa goes, and it's ALL online! How wonderful :) Never stepping into a classroom AGAIN has been my DREAM.
I will be applying to JCPS very soon, over this weekend, and be praying that I can get a special education teaching position this fall. I don't see that happening, as I JUST enrolled in a master's program...but it would be pretty amazing. Asa is probably getting an open position at Dixie Elementary, where he's been a sub for 2 years, and we are so excited. I am SO proud of him! It will be SO great for him to have a SALARY, sick days, vacation days, and all summer off PAID! What an improvement for us financially!!!

Anyway, I wanted to write this all down, as I've been keeping track of my dreams and desires this way. I am very excited to see where God continues to lead us!