Asa's whole entire family, minus his big sister Ali and her family who live in Rhode Island, live here. This is a very great thing since I have zero family here for myself, but I also get this tinge of jealousy quite often that they all have each other to hug and to hold whenever they would like. They have a mother and father who live fifteen minutes away, and they all have each other. They are all teachers so they all have the same exact vacations, snow days, holidays, etc. Whenever we are all together as a group, you can imagine the topic that comes up then: teaching! While I was a substitute teacher for almost a year all of last school year, it wasn't my passion and I didn't love doing it. I seriously considered being a teacher the last three months of that role, because I realized then Asa and I would have holidays together, everything! We could even take the same sick days... and what better job to have for moms and dads when they themselves are teachers and will in return have the same days off that their children will? I could see myself teaching special education, to later become a counselor of some sort...but still I can't see myself doing that and absolutely loving it? But I said all of that to say that sometimes, I wish I had more in common with the Glass family, or something they thought was interesting, so sometimes I could be more involved in conversations. Not that I'm not involved!!! I just tend to sit there speechless and opinionless when classrooms are mentioned. Also, since I am childless and not getting pregnant any time soon, sometimes I feel very awkward since that is typically conversation #2 in family group settings...I don't even see myself wanting children, I just say that in 5 or 6 year I'm sure we'll start trying since I can't imagine not having children at the same time. I am just so happy with my husband and our dog/cat "kids" that I can't see a human coming between that joy. My mother in law likes to tease me that "I'm just a baby" and of course I should "take my time," but then she'll turn around and ask when I'll give her grandbabies, as well as plenty of church women who ask me frequently when I want children. It gets to be a very awkward conversation, one that I wish before one asked me that question ever again, they would realize that I am only almost 22 years old! [For the record, I know God is completely upstairs smiling in that HE knows when I will have children, or if I will never have children at all. But I kind of have a huge sense of relief knowing that I'm not too much in charge of the matter.]
Anyway, I am desperately trying to figure out if the medical field is where God is calling me, which is why I'm taking 3 pre-requisites for nursing this semester: Anatomy/Physiology, Nutrition, and a 7 hour long Saturday class, CPR/First Aid training. Thet truth is, I REALLY enjoy medical classes. The A&P is going to be SO challenging, with so much memorization, but Asa put it a good way when I was trying to figure out if I wanted to take the class: He said, "Ash, it's going to be hard and it will be a challenge but you tend to rise far above when you are challenged in things you enjoy." Very true. My husband knows me well. I hate taking classes that are boring and pointless, i.e. my medieval Philosophy class. I love medicine and I love ethics and I really hope that I can use my bioethics major someday, for something worthwhile in a hospital setting. If I do nursing school, I could be a nurse and be on ethics committees...I keep coming down to this thought. So I guess God is leading me somewhere, and even if it is to show me that the medical field is far from where my career is supposed to be, at least I'll learn! He could come back and say, "Actually my Dear, you are going to be a teacher. Enjoy!" And I'll say, "Sweet! When can I enroll in grad school?" I'll do whatever He calls, I just want to figure that out. Hence my reason for venting and blogging... it helps me sort through these questions of mine! But I would be lying if I didn't say that I am scared that if I do go for nursing and accomplish this goal, that I won't have much of a life? Depending on where I would work, hospital or private office, would I ever have holidays, vacations, time off for my family? I know there's a reason why there are a ton of nurses... benefits are wonderful, pay is amazing, so I know I wouldn't be sacrificing much--but it would be another thing that would put me out of the loop Glass wise. Okay, I realize after I typed that, what a reason to not have a career right? Because it's different from teaching? Okay, thanks Lord, for showing me my selfish sin in that statement.
Anyway, Sunday's are weird. I wake up knowing that I get to worship my Lord and I fully enjoy doing so. The songs we sing, the fellowship I have, usually lunch to look forward to afterward: all great things. But I do sit there in my pew often, worrying about my mom and dad and Nathan and what they'll be doing that day...wishing they had a church family to call home. And I worry about my grandma, almost 97, and I remember going to church with her as a young girl, helping her in the nursery (back when I used to love and adore babies....) making lunch after church with her, spending the night with her in her big water bed! And I wonder how life will go on when she passes? What will we do? What will the farm turn into? What about her garden out back that hasn't been touched in a decade but so what? And thus, I turn emotional, and Sundays remain officially weird for me.
Well, school to look forward to bright and early in the morning! I must continue my quiet times this week! Last week I did pretty good reading early in the morning, usually Psalms, and journaling what I read. It did make a difference in my busy schedule, and I actually looked forward to going to work where I could smile and attempt to be the difference in the office. I pray for guidance, strength, perserverance and joy! Class 4 days this week, work 4 days and Grey's Anatomy and Chinese in between there to look forward to! Also potentially candle making with my sister (in law) Jana Wednesday night! That will be a ball. I haven't done anything crafty in a long time and since candles are my obsession... I am very excited.
God is good. He is gracious, Superior, All Knowing, and full of truth. I am but chaff in the wind on this universe, trying to discern right and wrong, and attempting to fall more in love with Him each day.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is bring sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
My brother Sean and our Grandmother, Wilma Rouse
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