Needing Some Angels

Well, my oldest brother with cerebral palsy, Nathan, has been in the hospital for a week. He has double pneumonia, his red blood cell count is dropping, his blood sugar has been bouncing, he hasn't ate solid food in a week or ingested any real liquids other than through an IV... 
Seeing him today in the hospital has brought back too many sad memories. While I love hospitals and am always that kid who is trying to peek into others' rooms, I do not enjoy seeing my big brother lying in a hospital bed, whimpering and moaning in pain and agony, losing weight, unable to do anything. He is the happiest person God created, ever. He doesn't complain, he doesn't cry, he doesn't get angry (often.) He laughs and giggles and is easily entertained. He also has had the worst life medically speaking than I think one could ever fathom. Liver failure, toxic mega colon, seizures, osteoporosis...I mean, he is the perfect example of someone who has just an unfair life. I understand that life was not meant to be measured by fairness and an equality of happiness--but it just doesn't seem right that Nathan, our joy and our miracle, should be the one to suffer! 
I need some angels. I need them to surround Nathan's bed, put their healing hands on him and send him home. I need some angels to guide me as I try to live normally this week, knowing how tired and broken my mother is as she tries so hard to get answers from the doctors and specialists who are in charge of Nathan's care. I need angels as I go into my interview Tuesday in a hospital, knowing the NICU was a large part of Nathan's early life. I need angels to protect my family, protect my marriage, heal my heart, give me joy, give Nathan peace, and again...to send him HOME.
Monday I dive back into school, work, and full nights of preparing and studying for my difficult classes, in particular A&P (2nd exam is Friday...) I hate living 6 hours away from my family knowing they are sad, tired, and confused as to why this is happening yet again to our Nathan. 
Lord, be with me. Be with all of us. My laptop is crashing, dying, breaking, whatever...It's lived 4 years but now is so not the time to do this to me! I am tired, weary, broken for my family. They need rest, we need rest, but most importantly NATHAN needs rest. 
Heal him please...Send your angels, and heal him.

I Surrender All

Today I was blessed with the opportunity to work the morning shift at the vet clinic where I work, instead of my usual shift. Both morning ladies were sick so I volunteered, since there were zero afternoon appointments and that way one of the techs could recep for me in the afternoon. I worked 7-1:30, went tanning afterwards, showered and afterwards I felt so humbled and blessed by God! 
I texted my neighbor Stephanie on my way home, asking if she wanted to run my dogs with me and grab lunch and she said,  "Sure!" I thought, "Wow! I have a friend I can call completely spontaneously, who can hang out!!!" After spending some good time with her, I then got the privelage to meet Jana (sister in law) at Central Park with her daughters and we walked for almost an hour just catching up and talking! It's always a good day when my sweet niece Arie screams in delight to see me and says, "Hold youuu, Ashee, hold YOU!" 
After my walk with Jana, I went to Sunergos Coffee with Asa and met my old roommate/close friend Jill! We've been friends since my freshman year of college and she seriously makes me laugh so hard I could pee my pants. I have always been her "buttercup" who she can "put in her pocket." I love it. 
While "studying" and chatting at Sunergos, I noticed two more good friends whom I haven't seen in a long time: Andy and Charlie Sims. Andy used to be such a big brother to me and his wife Meredith and I used to be great friends and practically roommates also my freshman year of college. Speaking of Meredith, she then entered Sunergos and I sprinted to her (as much as one can sprint in a coffee shop full of bodies) and squeezed her so hard. We were able to catch up briefly, share stories, our hearts...and I realized, all of these close friends of mine are all Christians who adore Jesus; and well, I just feel entirely blessed and in awe of God at the moment. 
I went from a period of longing for deep friendships or just girls that I can talk to and hang out with, and it's like all in one day God fulfilled that desire! 

Thank you, Lord, for being Real, Almighty and Sovereign!

Another Interview!

I wanted to update: ANOTHER recruiter called me and I have a SECOND interview! This position is full time, 3rd shift, being a PCA (Patient Care Assistant) in Kosair as well, in the med-surg unit! Now, this is 40 hours a week so 3 days a week...and head on patient care: changing beds, cleaning patients (KIDS THOUGH!), everything, which would TOTALLY get me ready for clinicals and nursing if that is the route I take.
Basically I need God to COMPLETELY work this one: open one door, close another, open both and let me choose or close both of them! (Ouch. I hope not.)

PLEASE be praying whomever DOES read these facinating blog entries of mine. Both interviews are Feb 2. The NICU is at 9am and the PCA is at 10am! What a full and nerve wracking morning!

I am so incredibly grateful that God is working and everything is moving FORWARD to be potentially having a job in a HOSPITAL! Wow.

Alright...Thanks for reading, whoever you are :)

An Encouraged Soul

I feel encouraged so I felt I may as well share the things I am encouraged by:

• I literally prayed that God would give me Christian girlfriends who just love Jesus and who I can go to and talk to and count on. A few weeks later I met my 2 next door neighbors, both of whom love Jesus, pursue friendship with me (and they are as obsessed with dogs as I am...so that was a huge bonus!) God answered my prayer! 
• I prayed God would give me people to study with who could encourage me and who could meet with me often. Via email, I met several classmates and tonight was our first meeting and it was a huge blessing! I literally failed my first A&P exam, but I feel encouraged that it can only go uphill from here. God answered my prayer! 

• I have been applying to Norton hospital for WELL over a year and Monday night a recruiter called me for an interview. This is a huge deal. I am interviewing Feb 2 at 9am to be a Unit Secretary in the NICU. God completely answered my prayer! [I may not get the job, however, I simply prayed all afternoon on Monday that someone from Norton would please call: and someone did.

Basically, I feel like God has been working incredibly hard to open my eyes to see that He does answer prayer. He does listen, he does care, and even if I continue to fail my exams (which my LORD I pray I don't!!!), even if I don't get this job-->Life will STILL go on and God is AMAZING! I have chills. I am so in love with my Savior. 


I just wanted to share. Thank you, Jesus, for who you are! 

Decoupage: New Thing #1, Month #1

My New Year's resolution was two things: work out at least twice a week at U of L since it's my last semester there and well, I haven't worked out in decades. (Okay that would put me at age 11 so not possible, but still)- and my 2nd was to do something NEW with Asa that we've never done before, preferably crafty things. TODAY we did our number one thing, with time to spare since January ends in one MORE week. It was his idea, so go Asa, to decoupage an old trunk we have that isn't very cute, with our wedding photos!!! We're hoping it turns out incredible, and so far it all looks great! One picture started to bubble tonight, but it looks beautiful, in my opinion. It was fun to do something new and creative with Asa...a great way to get my mind of flunking my first A&P exam and having a pretty weird encounter with someone this past week. 

 

   

  

 

I love him so very much! 

 

 This is pretty much the finished product. We're trying to figure out if we want to do the ENTIRE thing?? Like ALL the sides as well? Not right away. We still have more decoupage layers to add to this surface. I love my family and thank God for blessing me with such a fun husband!

I Won't be Defeated

I am trying not to be defeated. I got 14 out of the 35 questions wrong today... putting me at a 60%, a D. The only time I ever got a D in college was on two economic exams--and I dropped that class after those two exams once I realized business school was not for me! I know I cannot assume the same about nursing... everyone says A&P is not a good decision factor to base the career on. But if I want to do Bellarmine's nursing program, I have to get a B in this class. We are allowed to drop the lowest test grade and use the best 5 out of 6 exams we take...but if this is any inclination to my future in this class, my standards are not high. I am trying so badly not to be a debbie downer. This was the first exam, I had no idea what to expect, she didn't prepare us at all but instead just threw a million pounds worth of information at us, and gave us 35 questions when we had covered 4 chapters. How fair is that? I've emailed several classmates and they have all said they would like to study together before the next test, which is in 2 weeks...so I am begging God to let that happen, and for it to HELP ME!  
Sometimes I wish I was one of those individuals who just "didn't care" about school...it's so hard to care as much as I do, only to be dissapointed after three long days and nights of studying. Maybe she'll give us a curve and I can manage a C- but somehow I doubt it with this instructor!! 
All I know is that I cannot FAIL this class. I have to graduate in May. So I am pleading with God for better insight and knowledge and for Him to guide me through these tests better than what happened today. 

Prayer Request

I have absolutely no idea if ANYONE in their right mind would ever read my blogs. But on the assumption that someone does, I am requesting prayer for my first anatomy/physiology exam that is Friday, Jan 22, at 8am! I get so worked up over tests, especially science ones!!! I have studied probably 3 hours tonight and have a million flashcards to quiz myself over. I am planning on waking up early to study more before work (as Grey's and Private Practice is on tomorrow NIGHT so I want to feel confident before then on this studying stuff!) 

Anyway...again I repeat, what kind of dummy takes A&P I their SENIOR year of college in their LAST semester when they DO NO HAVE TO? At least God may show me early the signs to my future, right? Ha ha. We'll see. 

Goodnight, All!

Conviction

Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts. -Hebrews 4:7



The Lord has been trying to teach me patience, joy, and appreciation. It has been revealed to me that a negative attitude comes incredibly easy for me. I am so quick to say what annoys and frustrates me in my day, instead of expressing any of the happiness that may have also existed. It is so much easier for me to get caught up in the dog hair on my hardwood floors than it is to be thankful for my thirteen foot ceilings and overly large, white windows. Where does this come from? Who have I turned into? I find myself getting angry that I am only 21, taking 16 hours of college, working a job that often brings me home at 7pm or later at night, and have so many "responsibilities." But why would bitterness be my first response? I want to be in school, I am graduating in four months! I have a decent paying job, and I am young...but I am so incredibly in love with my husband! 
I have my dream dog, MY Golden Retriever, my sweet chocolate Lab and a sweet kitten who sleeps on my face every night. Most importantly, I have salvation...Hebrews says, "In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him..."
With that being said, I am going to try very hard to think before I speak...mainly to my husband, because he is so often the victim of my complaints :/
I have SO much to be grateful for in my life. I do have more blessings than I can count and the laughter in my life does greatly exceed the tears... just for whatever reason I have a hard time celebrating that!  

"Let us set aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, lookin to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY that was set before him endured the CROSS, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:1,2

A Full Brain

So I am just wondering, how much knowledge can I cram into this mind of mine? I have a nutrition exam online every week, as well as crazy assignments due the same day. I then have anatomy/physiology three days a week, and am also wondering how many structures I can memorize in a session and all the functions and terminology that goes along with them? I then have a bioethical controversy grad school level class where we discuss things like suicide, "the right to die," abortion, "future generations" aka unborn children, how far a health provider's conscious should be allowed to go, and well... the list of ethical dilemmas goes on for miles. [All of which I LOVE discussing, it's one of my favorite things about my degree!!!] But then CPR and First Aid on top of that and well, basically, volleyball is the only class where I can go kick butt and not even worry about true knowledge. I know, I signed up for all of these classes. And the thing is, I REALLY enjoy them all! [Minus Medieval Philosophy!!!!!!!!!] I've been told, "You're doing school the right way, Ashley. Graduating in four straight years, taking difficult classes that actually teach you something..." Whew. If this is the right way...... 

Anyway, I just thought I would spill all this wonderful hoorah. In this trying to "figure out my future career" goal: I do love bioethics. I love sitting around a conference table with my peers discussing ethical controversies. I love hearing the professor talk about his rounds at the hospital and the different cases he has been on. The thing is, to do what he does and my other favorite professor Stephen Hanson, I would have to get my PHD!!!! Really? Plus my passion doesn't just end at wanting to be able to assist in these cases, I would love to be hands on, treating patients, being a part of the medical lingo...or would I? Hm. We'll find out I suppose! God's already working. My heart is stirred and I am enjoying my medical classes, I am just tired! I am looking forward to May 8, my graduation! And therefore three straight months of vacation! All work and no school! Being able to hang out with people and not worry about studying! Thank you, Lord, for knowledge, wisdom and strength!

Weird Sundays

Sunday's are always weird days for me. It's like this mixture of homesickness, annoyance, frustration, contentment, etc. all mixed into one giant BLAH. How is that possible? I have no idea. Every Sunday I think about my parents at home with Nathan. I then think about my Grandma who is turning 97 January 30th, a woman who helped raise us, was with us at every single family event, watched us when we were sick, introduced us to cooking and farm life... just a beautiful woman. Period. 

Asa's whole entire family, minus his big sister Ali and her family who live in Rhode Island, live here. This is a very great thing since I have zero family here for myself, but I also get this tinge of jealousy quite often that they all have each other to hug and to hold whenever they would like. They have a mother and father who live fifteen minutes away, and they all have each other. They are all teachers so they all have the same exact vacations, snow days, holidays, etc. Whenever we are all together as a group, you can imagine the topic that comes up then: teaching! While I was a substitute teacher for almost a year all of last school year, it wasn't my passion and I didn't love doing it. I seriously considered being a teacher the last three months of that role, because I realized then Asa and I would have holidays together, everything! We could even take the same sick days... and what better job to have for moms and dads when they themselves are teachers and will in return have the same days off that their children will? I could see myself teaching special education, to later become a counselor of some sort...but still I can't see myself doing that and absolutely loving it? But I said all of that to say that sometimes, I wish I had more in common with the Glass family, or something they thought was interesting, so sometimes I could be more involved in conversations. Not that I'm not involved!!! I just tend to sit there speechless and opinionless when classrooms are mentioned. Also, since I am childless and not getting pregnant any time soon, sometimes I feel very awkward since that is typically conversation #2 in family group settings...I don't even see myself wanting children, I just say that in 5 or 6 year I'm sure we'll start trying since I can't imagine not having children at the same time. I am just so happy with  my husband and our dog/cat "kids" that I can't see a human coming between that joy. My mother in law likes to tease me that "I'm just a baby" and of course I should "take my time," but then she'll turn around and ask when I'll give her grandbabies, as well as plenty of church women who ask me frequently when I want children. It gets to be a very awkward conversation, one that I wish before one asked me that question ever again, they would realize that I am only almost 22 years old! [For the record, I know God is completely upstairs smiling in that HE knows when I will have children, or if I will never have children at all. But I kind of have a huge sense of relief knowing that I'm not too much in charge of the matter.]

Anyway, I am desperately trying to figure out if the medical field is where God is calling me, which is why I'm taking 3 pre-requisites for nursing this semester: Anatomy/Physiology, Nutrition, and a 7 hour long Saturday class, CPR/First Aid training. Thet truth is, I REALLY enjoy medical classes. The A&P is going to be SO challenging, with so much memorization, but Asa put it a good way when I was trying to figure out if I wanted to take the class: He said, "Ash, it's going to be hard and it will be a challenge but you tend to rise far above when you are challenged in things you enjoy." Very true. My husband knows me well. I hate taking classes that are boring and pointless, i.e. my medieval Philosophy class. I love medicine and I love ethics and I really hope that I can use my bioethics major someday, for something worthwhile in a hospital setting. If I do nursing school, I could be a nurse and be on ethics committees...I keep coming down to this thought. So I guess God is leading me somewhere, and even if it is to show me that the medical field is far from where my career is supposed to be, at least I'll learn! He could come back and say, "Actually my Dear, you are going to be a teacher. Enjoy!" And I'll say, "Sweet! When can I enroll in grad school?" I'll do whatever He calls, I just want to figure that out. Hence my reason for venting and blogging... it helps me sort through these questions of mine! But I would be lying if I didn't say that I am scared that if I do go for nursing and accomplish this goal, that I won't have much of a life? Depending on where I would work, hospital or private office, would I ever have holidays, vacations, time off for my family? I know there's a reason why there are a ton of nurses... benefits are wonderful, pay is amazing, so I know I wouldn't be sacrificing much--but it would be another thing that would put me out of the loop Glass wise. Okay, I realize after I typed that, what a reason to not have a career right? Because it's different from teaching? Okay, thanks Lord, for showing me my selfish sin in that statement. 

Anyway, Sunday's are weird. I wake up knowing that I get to worship my Lord and I fully enjoy doing so. The songs we sing, the fellowship I have, usually lunch to  look forward to afterward: all great things. But I do sit there in my pew often, worrying about my mom and dad and Nathan and what they'll be doing that day...wishing they had a church family to call home. And I worry about my grandma, almost 97, and I remember going to church with her as a young girl, helping her in the nursery (back when I used to love and adore babies....) making lunch after church with her, spending the night with her in her big water bed! And I wonder how life will go on when she passes? What will we do? What will the farm turn into? What about her garden out back that hasn't been touched in a decade but so what? And thus, I turn emotional, and Sundays remain officially weird for me. 

Well, school to look forward to bright and early in the morning! I must continue my quiet times this week! Last week I did pretty good reading early in the morning, usually Psalms, and journaling what I read. It did make a difference in my busy schedule, and I actually looked forward to going to work where I could smile and attempt to be the difference in the office. I pray for guidance, strength, perserverance and joy! Class 4 days this week, work 4 days and Grey's Anatomy and Chinese in between there to look forward to! Also potentially candle making with my sister (in law) Jana Wednesday night! That will be a ball. I haven't done anything crafty in a long time and since candles are my obsession... I am very excited. 

God is good. He is gracious, Superior, All Knowing, and full of truth. I am but chaff in the wind on this universe, trying to discern right and wrong, and attempting to fall more in love with Him each day. 

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is bring sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 

My brother Sean and our Grandmother, Wilma Rouse

 

Le Corps et Le Sang Du Christ

The Body and Blood of Christ.

I am realizing that I have a hole in my heart. Here we are, in a brand new year, 2010, and I desperately am craving fellowship. This break has not been the most productive for my quiet times, and today at church I realized that the void is largely my lack of fellowship with my Christian sisters. My first year of college I was really involved in Campus Crusade and weekly Bible Studies with my favorite girlfriends, and much of sophomore year I led a freshman Bible study. And then I met Asa, fell desperately in love, married him Dec 20, 2008, and somehow in between I lost my connections and deep, intimate fellowship with other people. Obviously, when a woman gets married, her priorities change... I wasn't exactly able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted! And balancing school full time, work 30-36 hours a week, and maintaining being married to this wonderful man... well, life got BUSY. Not to say that Asa and I do not have a wonderful church family, where we fellowship weekly; or even to say that I do not LOVE having quiet times with my husband--but I miss being involved with a great group of girls, sitting around a living room with coffee or snacks, just talking about our Savior. Reading scripture together, discussing what God is to us, as women...I miss that! 
So: I am praying that God will fill my void with His love, His grace, His strength and His redemption. He is so merciful and I have faith that until I find a group of girls that I can have this time of union with, I MUST be more dedicated to daily Scripture reading and prayer. 


I really have no idea what my future entails..and therefore I want to get excited about trusting God. I want to not worry about the fact that my major in Philosophy & Bioethics may get me NOWHERE associated with those things... or that this summer will be my first in two years of no school, and I hope that I do something beneficial instead of wasteful, and the list goes on.  


Hebrews 10:25 Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another! 
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times. 
Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it."

Mon amor, ma vie

My Love, My Life.

Honestly, I've tended to think that blogging is quite narcissistic but after watching Julie and Julia, I was quite inspired. I do not have 536 recipes to follow in 365 days, nor do I even have a project in mind, but I was inspired instead to simply just write.
I have no idea who reads these things, so I will begin with who I am. I am 21, married, with three kids under the age of four...not human children!!! My husband, Asa and I, have a 2 year old female Golden Retriever (Elsa Noel), a 3 year old chocolate Lab (Humphrey Bogart), and a 7 month old male domestic grey short hair kitty (Manchester Frank III). I'm not sure what our cat's real name is? We've always called him Manny and he goes by anything with the beginning "Man" in it--Manual, Manchester, Man Man, etc.
I will graduate from the University of Louisville May 8, 2010 and I have worked extremely hard to finish in four straight years. I moved here from Michigan with the hopes of becoming a horse racing jockey, right after graduation June 2006. I worked at Churchill Downs for 8 months and then worked for Winstar Farm in LaGrange, KY for three. My passion for horses has not died, but my heart has definitely been worked on and I no longer dream of racing...owning Thoroughbreds someday, yes, but not being a jockey.
I was married December 20, 2008 and this past year of marriage has been blissful, exhilarating, hilarious, and of course at times, hard. Learning how to fight with your spouse is something that takes a rational and functional mind, as well as a quiet and loving spirit. Everyone told us, "The first year is the worst!" But really, our year was not bad at all! I mean of course we had some feuds, we are best friends! But when it comes down to reviewing the entire 12 months, I am grateful to be able to say we had way more laughs than we did fights.
I come from a family of five, well... six. Two parents and two big brothers and one white Labrador Retriever sister named Holly. My parents are loving and my big brothers are the best, and I received Holly for a Christmas gift 11 Christmas' ago! She immediately took to my oldest brother: he has cerebral palsy, and it would not be far-fetched to say Holly is one of his favorite things in this world. She is completely a part of our human family, she goes where we go [they really, as I don't live there anymore,] and she does everything that we [they] do. She is a gift from God and I pray she lives healthily many more years.
This is a fairly long first blog entry. Obviously there is more about me, but that brings me back to why I typically think blogs are narcissistic! So this will be a step to me. Really I would like to just explore my heart, get down to the basics of my passions and desires, and figure out where God will be taking me, especially upon graduation. At this point, I have no idea what I will do career wise. I truly enjoy genetics and therefore thought I wanted to be a genetic counselor in the prenatal specialty, but I also love hospitals and am therefore wondering if I should get an accelerated degree in nursing. I do not want to do anything that Christ does not wish...which is why I am hoping this blog can lead me and point me in His direction, as I haven't seriously "written" in a while!
Snowing outside, with 14 degree temps feeling like 2 degrees! I pray for a blizzard!